i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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