i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
