The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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