And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
