We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
