he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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