rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
