K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
