yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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