I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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