You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
