Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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