ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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