My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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