Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
