Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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