Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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