He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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