im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
