im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
