Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
