I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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