Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
