I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
