I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
