Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Are we still banned from the library?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
