piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
