She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
