Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
