Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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