there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
