just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
