I wish I only lived at night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
