I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
