The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
