She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
