I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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