just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
