I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
