Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
