new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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