it hurts more in the daytime
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
