I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
