Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it's like heaven, but drunker
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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