Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
