Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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