Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
