Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
