Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
