I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
