im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
